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Schools to be fitted with self-destruct buttons

A successful test on St James Primary School

The Local Education Authority has voted to approve plans to install self-destruct buttons in all primary schools in a bid to deter potential mass shootings.

Under the plans, teachers and teaching assistants will have easy access to a button (probably a large red one behind a clear plastic case) that, once pressed, will destroy the entire school with a napalm based incendiary bomb.

Head teacher Jean Troff believes that the measures will prevent schools from becoming the scenes of mass murder: ‘If you were a crazed loner bent on wreaking carnage before turning the gun on yourself, which school would you choose? One that is completely undefended? Or one where the teachers can turn the site into a hellish inferno with the touch or a button? Any psychotic killer in their right mind isn’t going to choose the second option, are they?’

‘For too long schools in Wickle have been left to the mercy of crazed maniacs,’ says Whig councillor Ron Baccarat.  ‘Just because it has never happened before doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take precautions. My wife refused to take out village fete related accident insurance on her Suzuki; now she’s got a dead Morris dancer tangled  up in the bull bar that she can’t get rid of.’

Private security contractors ‘Satan Security Solutions’ have won the £80 million contract.  CEO Eric Crowley believes it is an investment schools can’t afford to neglect: ‘Buying books and employing qualified teachers is all well and good, but child safety has to be paramount.

‘Having schools that can’t be razed to the ground at the first sign of trouble is an open invitation for any Tom, Dick or Harry to slaughter children at will.  If we don’t do this parents may as well just go ahead and slit their kids’ throats themselves.’

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Reader Offers

Meat Library Grand Opening this Saturday!

Celebrate with us this Saturday for the opening of Neilby Meat Library (next to the Mouthwash Discount Warehouse on Neilby High Street).

Up to 8 weeks rental (online renewal available) on:

*Black/White Pudding

*Rack of Ribs

*Matured Steak

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Quote Advert Code: 6785 and the first 100 customers can borrow 2lb of Lincolnshire sausages and a leg of lamb for 4 weeks for the price of 2.

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Rock On!

This Saturday only. Join us at ‘The Brass Pistol’, Folylake

Exclusive live performance from Wickle’s own Neo Post-Punk revivalists ‘Myxomatosis Sandwich’ playing live tracks for their brand new LP ‘The Very Best of Bananarama’.

Free yolkless pickled eggs for all customers (we’re not sure how they got like that).

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Enemies to be vanquished? Need your instructions to be followed to the letter?

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We hand mould our golems from local clay and deliver them straight to your doorstep totally free of charge.

Golem master’s hubris insurance available at low, low prices.

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Men shoot another man

By Callum Croquet (age 9)

2 men shot another man last week on Tuesday on Beacon Drive in front of his house on the driveway in the afternoon.  ‘We can’t reveal any details,’ said people at the Hospital my mum asked.  But a man I asked on the street by Beacon Drive said he was definitely dead because he knows the man’s wife’s friend.

The Police would not comment about what it was all about. A Policeman in front of the house didn’t know, and the Police lady on the phone said, ‘this line is for emergencies only.’

However, Noah Stephens in year 6 heard his dad say to his mum the dead man was ‘into allsorts’ and was ‘sorting out money for some gangsters from town through his sandwich shop and was keeping some for himself.

‘He was well into the white as well,’ Noah’s dad added.

Jacob Mears’s in-year-5’s big brother told him that, ‘there was blood everywhere and the man’s head exploded and the hit-men used a Mach-10.’ That’s probably a load of rubbish though because the lady who lives on the same road I asked said there was only three bangs and Jacob Mears’s brother also said he got off with Jessie J when he stayed with his mate in Manchester.

The case continues.

Gun Jacob’s brother said was used…doubtful.

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New videogame ‘Call of Duty: Salvation Army’ is a flop

Publishers of the wildly successful ‘Call of Duty’ games franchise are counting their costs tonight as the latest ‘Salvation Army’ edition performs badly with retailers.

Players earn points in the game by converting heathens to the true faith through song and prayer.  Added bonuses are earned through helping the outcasts of society.  Exciting playable scenarios include issuing packages from food banks, handing out copies of the ‘War Cry’ journal and lobbying politicians about gambling legislation

‘I thought we were onto a winner,’ said game developer Ethan Stork.

‘It’s got everything:  high-octane first person action, killer graphics, ultra-smooth gameplay. But it seems as though adolescent males are more interested in action that involves relentless, bloody violence than volunteering at a soup kitchen.

‘It is surprising.  White Middle America is by far our biggest customer base; where evangelical Christianity and assault rifles go hand-in-hand.  But it seems we might have misjudged this one.’

Game distributors ‘Activision’ are hoping to have more success with their new music related offering ‘Ukulele Hero: George Formby Special Edition’

Awesooooome!

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Celebrity opens supermarket for 58th day in a row

The actor and author Tony Robinson travelled to Folylake for the 58th morning in a row today to open the now not-so-new Morrison’s supermarket on Corvette Street. After greeting deputy manager Andy Circus, the 67 year old former ‘Blackadder’ star wearily cut the red ribbon spanning the shop’s front entrance, got back into his car and left; making an obscene gesture as he went.

‘I do think Sir Tony might be getting a bit tired of opening up the same shop day after day.  There’s no crowd now and it’s been lashing it down for the last week,’ said shop manager Ian Boat.

‘I used to meet him myself for the first few days, but I’ve got other duties to get on with.  I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest, but we’ve got him locked into a cast iron contract.’

Tony Robinson in happier times

On day five of his personal appearance commitment at the store, the ‘Time Team’ presenter told reporters: ‘It was the classic mistake of not reading a contract before you sign it.  When my agent said she’d got me a gig opening a shop, I thought it would be a nice run out to a part of the county I’d not been to before.  It was only after that prick of a manger said “see you tomorrow Tone” that I thought to read it through properly.

‘Instead of getting paid my usual £7,000 for cutting the ribbon and making a short speech, I discovered that I’d signed up to do it every day for 4 months and was only getting a paper-back copy of David Dickenson’s autobiography “The Duke: What a Bobby Dazzler” and a wheelbarrow full of Dijon mustard in return.

‘Not only do I not like mustard, I don’t even get to keep the wheelbarrow, and I have to provide my own scissors to cut the ribbon!’

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Hospital to hold open auditions for cardiac specialist

Hundreds are expected to attend open auditions at Speare Park Hospital tomorrow for the vacant position of Consultant Cardiologist, with organisers announcing that they are to see hopefuls at a second venue at the weekend.  Round two of auditions will take place in front of judges a month from now.

‘It’s so exciting,’ said 18 year-old Gemma Spots as she took her place in the queue.  ‘I never thought I’d get a chance to go for a 75 grand job, but her I am,’ she continued, clutching her Teddy bear mascot.

‘I think people can get very snobby about these things,’ said second round judge, the comedian and presenter Bobby Davro.  ‘For me it’s not all about what exams you’ve done or what bits of paper you’ve got framed in your office.  I’m going to want to see someone with a bit of spark and personality.  If you have to be told you have an advanced left ventricular hypertrophy wouldn’t you rather come from someone with a bit of charisma and panache than from some old fart with bad breath.’

New Chief Constable Wayne Cleft, 21, was a training to be a nail technician at his local college when opportunity knocked for him.  ‘I heard on Twitter that they were doing auditions for the top pig job and I was like, yeah, mega lols. Being boss of the Feds would be well ace. You could get one of those tasers and shoot your mate right in the cock with it and if one of the police tried to stop you you’d be like, ‘you can’t arrest me I’m  your boss,’ and you could tell him to f*uck off and then take a slash in his hat and he could’t do nothing about it.’

The final public vote is pencilled in for the end of March and can be made by telephone, text or e-mail.  Facebook “likes” will also be taken into account.

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Agreement on Isle of Man Refugees

Brave islanders face troops

After previous refusals, Wickle Borough Council has voted to grant asylum to a small number of Isle of Man civil war refugees.

Wickle’s mayor Len Beggs has pledged that ‘only the most in need’ will be offered entry to the main land.  ‘There was resistance from some quarters, but the situation on the island has now descended into absolute depravity. No civilised society could turn its back,’ he said.

Hostilities on the Isle of Man erupted in September after a coop against the military junta by the Island’s postal workers.  Militant postmen established their own regime and weeks of blood-letting followed as perceived anti- “snail mail” elements were purged. In response, a general insurgency ensued and the population rose up against the tyrannical posties.

As always with such conflicts it is the ordinary people who suffer the most.  Civilians on the island were still recovering from the trauma of the genetically modified Brian Blessed hoard when internal unrest brought fresh horrors. Rumours of mass executions are rife. Stories of cannibalism are not uncommon.  Would-be asylum seeker Stan Flute is hoping that he will not have long to wait for a decision.  ‘I’ve lost several family members to the war already.  My wife Elaine has gone. Two of my children are missing.  And we haven’t had the bins emptied for weeks.’

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