A seniors’ badminton tournament at Cribly Leisure Centre was called off on Sunday afternoon after the players became incapacitated from drinking orange squash contaminated with the highly dangerous hallucinogenic drug PCP
Among the first to be affected was sixty-eight year old Irene Warner. ‘She started to cry and babble about vampire moths,’ said leisure centre attendant Mike Tingle. ‘Then she was waving her racquet around like she was trying to swat something. She looked like she was very agitated.’
Soon, the other players began to succumb to the tainted refreshments. Some apparently stood gazing into space. Others merely laughed hysterically. Worst affected was club captain, seventy-two year old Ian Bude. Confused witnesses reported seeing Mr Bude, stripped to the waist, lock himself into one of the squash courts. They could then only watch helplessly from the viewing balcony as he inexpertly carved the Eye of Sauron into his forehead with the keys to his Honda Civic.
After around half an hour of coaxing, Mr Bude eventually emerged from the court but dashed out of the front entrance before he could be subdued by the centre’s security staff. He was last seen running through Cribly Plaza, his chest hair ablase, shouting: ‘The beast wants feeding! The beast wants feeding!’
Mr Bude’s son Barry, 32, has since confessed to causing the incident. Police yesterday released parts of his statment. ‘I am really, truly sorry for the upset. Over the last few years I have developed a rare personality disorder called Judas Priest Syndrome. It means I become obsessed with copying harmful behaviours depicted in popular culture.
‘I have been a fan of the band “Faith No More” for years but only recently learned that the title of their most famous album, “Angel Dust,” is actually a reference to the street name for PCP, so I decided to make my own like Malcom-in-the-Milddle’s dad does on “Breaking Bad.” I looked up on the internet about how to do it and then set up a lab in my garage.
‘ It took me a few months to get the measurements right, but I eventually managed to produce a couple of cupfuls…If I knew all this was going to happen though, I never would have dissolved the stuff in ether, dyed it orange, poured it into an empty bottle of Robinson’s Orange and Pineapple and stored it in mum and dad’s kitchen cupboard.’