Dozens of owls of all species will be culled this year by organised hunts across Wickle in an attempt to preserve the borough’s small furry animal population.
The plans have been controversial in some quarters, but local vole farmer Brian Jingo has spoken in favour of the plans: ‘I’ve lost thousands of pounds’ worth stock this year to these swivel-headed brutes. It takes nearly four-hundred skins to make a full length coat so I need every one I can get. These environmentalist do-gooders just haven’t got a clue about country life. They should try herding eight thousand voles into a pen on a cold October morning; they wouldn’t last five minutes.’
The Owl Hunt Master, ‘Grand Parliament Destroyer’ Major Sir Kieran Dwyer (RET) OBE told reporters of his excitement about the upcoming season: ‘The Members and I can’t wait to get going this year; even though we’ve had to tweak our methods slightly due to some of our newer recruits turning out to be such piss-poor shots.’ Sir Kieran went on to describe how the hunt will now kill the owls by releasing a lethal nerve toxin from canisters carried on light aircraft.
‘I got the idea when I was watching “Goldfinger” on Easter Bank Holiday,’ he continued. ‘That’s how they were going to kill the guards at Fort Knox until Pussy Galore went turn-coat after Bond gave her one. That Honor Blackman was always my favourite Bond-girl. She was still do-able when she was in “The Upper Hand.” Not so much now.’