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Local git promises wide spread misanthropy after lottery win

chilwell retail park

Neilby Euro Millions winner and arsehole, Frank Prodger, 46, has unveiled a list of projects he will be funding in Wickle designed to undermine community cohesion and the local economy.

Prodger, who won just over £86m on last week’s Euro Millions draw, spoke of his proposals yesterday: ‘The first thing I want to do is completely transform our retail high streets into uniform corporate clones with exactly the same branded shops on each one.  I’ll be buying-up all the empty outlets in the borough and leasing them on a peppercorn rent to any large franchise or brand giant that wants to move in.

‘A particular challenge will be getting rid of the long established, successful niche businesses in the area.  In the case of Wiltshire & Sons, the antique grandfather clock and barometer repair shop on Casey Street in Cribly, I’ll be paying the world’s leading authority in antique grandfather clock and barometer repair to set up a rival business in the empty unit four doors down, and charge 10% less for the service.  It won’t finish them straight away, they’ve been there for 60 years, but the wait will make it all the sweeter when they finally have to pack in.’

Other projects announced included the construction of a new leisure centre in Leston which will be built using entirely foreign contractors and labour and then immediately demolished upon completion, and a new scheme whereby all Wickle residents will be offered up to £25,000 if they sign a contract agreeing never to speak to anyone over the age of 70 again.

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