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Health and safety officials recall healing crystals from holistic shops

This is a FreshXpress store, which has been pa...

Scene of Trunk slipping incident. ‘Agghh! Bastard,’ he said

New age and holistic establishments across the borough were raided by health and safety officers this week due to fears that the healing crystal supply chain had become contaminated with harmful, so called, “bad vibe” crystals.

The authorities were alerted when Foylake man, Dean Trunk, 42, fell in front of the Kwik-Save on Market Road after slipping on dog muck, much to the amusement of unsympathetic onlookers.  Prior to the incident Trunk had purchased a pouch of healing crystals and a mini dream catcher from nearby holistic emporium, ‘Hippy to Help.’

‘I’ve been getting my crystals and alternative remedies from that shop for years now and nothing unfortunate has ever happened a short time after going there before,’ explained Trunk.  ‘The only possible explanation I can think of is that one of the crystals was one of those “bad vibe” ones I’ve read about. ‘

The existence of the hazardous crystals, officially called ‘malevolent chakra influencing crystals,’ was first discovered after a hen party from Sunderland came down with food poisoning following a trip to a fried chicken shop.  Earlier that day they had undergone crystal and Reiki treatment on a pamper morning bought from a voucher deal website.  The health farm the women attended was subsequently closed down and burnt to the ground as a precaution.

The crystals’ appearance is described by health and safety professionals as being: ‘Black! Blacker than the darkest pre-industrial night.’

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