Wickle Council leader Clive Mound warned today that he would have ‘no hesitation’ in ordering the use of the hitherto top secret ‘Brian Blessed Deterrent’ on the Isle of Man, following the latest round of drunken Zeppelin raids. The attacks began five weeks ago in response to the ongoing toothpaste embargo imposed on the island.
No one can quite remember how hostilities began between the Wickle Peninsular and Isle of Man, but since the Island’s Military Junta cancelled the proposed under sea road tunnel link at a loss of an estimated 5,000 jobs, what was once primarily a diplomatic dispute has become a series of escalating military actions.
Wickle Council revealed the existence of the Brian Blessed weapon last week, to widespread horror amongst much of the international community. It was a project which began in secret during the early nineteen-nineties, when a lock of Brian Blessed hair was acquired by the ‘Local Government Experimental Weapons Division’. Soon after, scientists began cloning an army of genetically engineered winged Brian Blesseds. Project leader Dr Vivian Glove revealed exactly how the weapon would be deployed against a target: ‘Upon executive command, a Blessed swarm can be deployed against a target within the hour. Once they have donned their Prince Vultan costumes, they take to the skies above the enemy. They then swoop down and scoop up victims at random, taking them off to a nest they have made in the Welsh hills. What happens to them then, God only knows.’
Dr Glove is not entirely comfortable about the weapon he has helped create however: ‘When I saw the results of the tests conducted in East Africa, I thought “My God, what have we done?” But now, after one of those drunk Zeppelin pilots chucked a piss filled water balloon at my wife, I believe that unless we can get assurances there will be no more attacks, we should let the Brians loose on them as soon as possible.’