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Ask Alan

Wickle’s top agony uncle comes to the aid of readers in a quandary


Dear Alan…

I was pleasuring myself to Emily Maitlis on Newsnight the other evening when they suddenly cut to footage of Education Secretary Michael Gove dribbling something about Ofsted. Unfortunately, I was past the point of no return and I can no longer look myself in the eye.  Do you have any tips on how to avoid something like this in the future?

Alan Says:

I had a similar infatuation with Moira Stuart back in the day.  I made a compilation VHS and killed a couple of hours while Pat was at Tai Chi.  I’m not up with modern technology but I’m sure you could do something similar on a computer or tablet or whatever. Good luck.


Dear Alan…

My husband’s illegal usury business was flagging last year and it was beginning to get him down.  To give him a bit of a boost I asked some family members and close friends if they would loan some money off him.  It didn’t half cheer him up, but they are struggling to keep up with the payments given the extraordinarily high interest rates he charges.  He’s already sent a friend from work a shotgun cartridge through the post and threatened to do my Auntie Val’s kneecaps with a crowbar.  What should I do?

Alan says:

I’ve heard that loan sharks will often take sexual favours as payment in kind.  You could suggest that your loved-ones try that for a bit and maybe stave off a few instalments while they raise some cash another way.  You better tell them to get it sorted pretty sharpish.  Your hubby sounds like a nasty bastard.


Dear Alan...

Have you got the time on you?

Alan says:

Yes mate, it’s just coming up to quarter to.


Dear Alan…

When me and my boyfriend were in bed last night, he said we should try and spice things up and suggested that I enact my favourite fantasy on him.  My favourite fantasy is “Game of Thrones” so I lopped off his head with a broadsword. Now the police are involved. What can I do?

Alan says:

I’ll forward you the number of a good solicitor I know.  He tends to specialise in “Dungeons & Dragons” related criminal matters, but I’m sure his expertise will suffice.


Dear Alan…

My wife started playing internet bingo a few months ago.  I’m worrying it might be becoming a problem.  She’s taking money out of our shared bank account without talking to me first and is becoming increasingly secretive.  What advice can you give?

Alan says:

It’s okay.  Unlike roulette and blackjack, bingo isn’t really gambling.  It’s just a group of friends having a bit of fun on-line whilst having a harmless flutter.  If she does start to spend more money than you can afford, simply advise her to substantially increase her stakes.  That way she’ll win back the money much quicker.


Dear Alan…

My brother says that trampoline is a kind of plastic covering for a woman of easy virtue.  Is he right?

Alan says…

No.  He’s thinking about Slutothene wrapping.

One comment on “Ask Alan

  1. I had 5 past – thanks for the heads up

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