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Hospital to hold open auditions for cardiac specialist

Hundreds are expected to attend open auditions at Speare Park Hospital tomorrow for the vacant position of Consultant Cardiologist, with organisers announcing that they are to see hopefuls at a second venue at the weekend.  Round two of auditions will take place in front of judges a month from now.

‘It’s so exciting,’ said 18 year-old Gemma Spots as she took her place in the queue.  ‘I never thought I’d get a chance to go for a 75 grand job, but her I am,’ she continued, clutching her Teddy bear mascot.

‘I think people can get very snobby about these things,’ said second round judge, the comedian and presenter Bobby Davro.  ‘For me it’s not all about what exams you’ve done or what bits of paper you’ve got framed in your office.  I’m going to want to see someone with a bit of spark and personality.  If you have to be told you have an advanced left ventricular hypertrophy wouldn’t you rather come from someone with a bit of charisma and panache than from some old fart with bad breath.’

New Chief Constable Wayne Cleft, 21, was a training to be a nail technician at his local college when opportunity knocked for him.  ‘I heard on Twitter that they were doing auditions for the top pig job and I was like, yeah, mega lols. Being boss of the Feds would be well ace. You could get one of those tasers and shoot your mate right in the cock with it and if one of the police tried to stop you you’d be like, ‘you can’t arrest me I’m  your boss,’ and you could tell him to f*uck off and then take a slash in his hat and he could’t do nothing about it.’

The final public vote is pencilled in for the end of March and can be made by telephone, text or e-mail.  Facebook “likes” will also be taken into account.

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