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Schools to be fitted with self-destruct buttons

A successful test on St James Primary School

The Local Education Authority has voted to approve plans to install self-destruct buttons in all primary schools in a bid to deter potential mass shootings.

Under the plans, teachers and teaching assistants will have easy access to a button (probably a large red one behind a clear plastic case) that, once pressed, will destroy the entire school with a napalm based incendiary bomb.

Head teacher Jean Troff believes that the measures will prevent schools from becoming the scenes of mass murder: ‘If you were a crazed loner bent on wreaking carnage before turning the gun on yourself, which school would you choose? One that is completely undefended? Or one where the teachers can turn the site into a hellish inferno with the touch or a button? Any psychotic killer in their right mind isn’t going to choose the second option, are they?’

‘For too long schools in Wickle have been left to the mercy of crazed maniacs,’ says Whig councillor Ron Baccarat.  ‘Just because it has never happened before doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take precautions. My wife refused to take out village fete related accident insurance on her Suzuki; now she’s got a dead Morris dancer tangled  up in the bull bar that she can’t get rid of.’

Private security contractors ‘Satan Security Solutions’ have won the £80 million contract.  CEO Eric Crowley believes it is an investment schools can’t afford to neglect: ‘Buying books and employing qualified teachers is all well and good, but child safety has to be paramount.

‘Having schools that can’t be razed to the ground at the first sign of trouble is an open invitation for any Tom, Dick or Harry to slaughter children at will.  If we don’t do this parents may as well just go ahead and slit their kids’ throats themselves.’


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