Tag Archive | British Humour

Schools to be fitted with self-destruct buttons

The Local Education Authority has voted to approve plans to install self-destruct buttons in all primary schools in a bid to deter potential mass shootings. Under the plans, teachers and teaching assistants will have easy access to a button (probably a large red one behind a clear plastic case) that, once pressed, will destroy the […]

Men shoot another man

By Callum Croquet (age 9) 2 men shot another man last week on Tuesday on Beacon Drive in front of his house on the driveway in the afternoon.  ‘We can’t reveal any details,’ said people at the Hospital my mum asked.  But a man I asked on the street by Beacon Drive said he was […]

New videogame ‘Call of Duty: Salvation Army’ is a flop

Publishers of the wildly successful ‘Call of Duty’ games franchise are counting their costs tonight as the latest ‘Salvation Army’ edition performs badly with retailers. Players earn points in the game by converting heathens to the true faith through song and prayer.  Added bonuses are earned through helping the outcasts of society.  Exciting playable scenarios […]

Celebrity opens supermarket for 58th day in a row

The actor and author Tony Robinson travelled to Folylake for the 58th morning in a row today to open the now not-so-new Morrison’s supermarket on Corvette Street. After greeting deputy manager Andy Circus, the 67 year old former ‘Blackadder’ star wearily cut the red ribbon spanning the shop’s front entrance, got back into his car […]

Hospital to hold open auditions for cardiac specialist

Hundreds are expected to attend open auditions at Speare Park Hospital tomorrow for the vacant position of Consultant Cardiologist, with organisers announcing that they are to see hopefuls at a second venue at the weekend.  Round two of auditions will take place in front of judges a month from now. ‘It’s so exciting,’ said 18 […]

Agreement on Isle of Man Refugees

After previous refusals, Wickle Borough Council has voted to grant asylum to a small number of Isle of Man civil war refugees. Wickle’s mayor Len Beggs has pledged that ‘only the most in need’ will be offered entry to the main land.  ‘There was resistance from some quarters, but the situation on the island has […]

Government to offer “hand relief” instead of “tax relief” on public sector pension schemes

In a radical new move, the Chancellor George Osborne has offered council workers and other public sector employees a creative new alternative to receiving generous tax breaks on their pension arrangements.  The new “Hand Relief for Tax Relief Scheme” will be proffered to union bosses this week. ‘The current system is unsustainable,’ said Treasury spokesman […]