Schools to be fitted with self-destruct buttons

A successful test on St James Primary School

The Local Education Authority has voted to approve plans to install self-destruct buttons in all primary schools in a bid to deter potential mass shootings.

Under the plans, teachers and teaching assistants will have easy access to a button (probably a large red one behind a clear plastic case) that, once pressed, will destroy the entire school with a napalm based incendiary bomb.

Head teacher Jean Troff believes that the measures will prevent schools from becoming the scenes of mass murder: ‘If you were a crazed loner bent on wreaking carnage before turning the gun on yourself, which school would you choose? One that is completely undefended? Or one where the teachers can turn the site into a hellish inferno with the touch or a button? Any psychotic killer in their right mind isn’t going to choose the second option, are they?’

‘For too long schools in Wickle have been left to the mercy of crazed maniacs,’ says Whig councillor Ron Baccarat.  ‘Just because it has never happened before doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take precautions. My wife refused to take out village fete related accident insurance on her Suzuki; now she’s got a dead Morris dancer tangled  up in the bull bar that she can’t get rid of.’

Private security contractors ‘Satan Security Solutions’ have won the £80 million contract.  CEO Eric Crowley believes it is an investment schools can’t afford to neglect: ‘Buying books and employing qualified teachers is all well and good, but child safety has to be paramount.

‘Having schools that can’t be razed to the ground at the first sign of trouble is an open invitation for any Tom, Dick or Harry to slaughter children at will.  If we don’t do this parents may as well just go ahead and slit their kids’ throats themselves.’

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Rock On!

This Saturday only. Join us at ‘The Brass Pistol’, Folylake

Exclusive live performance from Wickle’s own Neo Post-Punk revivalists ‘Myxomatosis Sandwich’ playing live tracks for their brand new LP ‘The Very Best of Bananarama’.

Free yolkless pickled eggs for all customers (we’re not sure how they got like that).

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Men shoot another man

By Callum Croquet (age 9)

2 men shot another man last week on Tuesday on Beacon Drive in front of his house on the driveway in the afternoon.  ‘We can’t reveal any details,’ said people at the Hospital my mum asked.  But a man I asked on the street by Beacon Drive said he was definitely dead because he knows the man’s wife’s friend.

The Police would not comment about what it was all about. A Policeman in front of the house didn’t know, and the Police lady on the phone said, ‘this line is for emergencies only.’

However, Noah Stephens in year 6 heard his dad say to his mum the dead man was ‘into allsorts’ and was ‘sorting out money for some gangsters from town through his sandwich shop and was keeping some for himself.

‘He was well into the white as well,’ Noah’s dad added.

Jacob Mears’s in-year-5’s big brother told him that, ‘there was blood everywhere and the man’s head exploded and the hit-men used a Mach-10.’ That’s probably a load of rubbish though because the lady who lives on the same road I asked said there was only three bangs and Jacob Mears’s brother also said he got off with Jessie J when he stayed with his mate in Manchester.

The case continues.

Gun Jacob’s brother said was used…doubtful.

New videogame ‘Call of Duty: Salvation Army’ is a flop

Publishers of the wildly successful ‘Call of Duty’ games franchise are counting their costs tonight as the latest ‘Salvation Army’ edition performs badly with retailers.

Players earn points in the game by converting heathens to the true faith through song and prayer.  Added bonuses are earned through helping the outcasts of society.  Exciting playable scenarios include issuing packages from food banks, handing out copies of the ‘War Cry’ journal and lobbying politicians about gambling legislation

‘I thought we were onto a winner,’ said game developer Ethan Stork.

‘It’s got everything:  high-octane first person action, killer graphics, ultra-smooth gameplay. But it seems as though adolescent males are more interested in action that involves relentless, bloody violence than volunteering at a soup kitchen.

‘It is surprising.  White Middle America is by far our biggest customer base; where evangelical Christianity and assault rifles go hand-in-hand.  But it seems we might have misjudged this one.’

Game distributors ‘Activision’ are hoping to have more success with their new music related offering ‘Ukulele Hero: George Formby Special Edition’

Awesooooome!

Celebrity opens supermarket for 58th day in a row

The actor and author Tony Robinson travelled to Folylake for the 58^th morning in a row today to open the now not-so-new Morrison’s supermarket on Corvette Street. After greeting deputy manager Andy Circus, the 67 year old former ‘Blackadder’ star wearily cut the red ribbon spanning the shop’s front entrance, got back into his car and left; making an obscene gesture as he went.

‘I do think Sir Tony might be getting a bit tired of opening up the same shop day after day.  There’s no crowd now and it’s been lashing it down for the last week,’ said shop manager Ian Boat.

‘I used to meet him myself for the first few days, but I’ve got other duties to get on with.  I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest, but we’ve got him locked into a cast iron contract.’

Tony Robinson in happier times

On day five of his personal appearance commitment at the store, the ‘Time Team’ presenter told reporters: ‘It was the classic mistake of not reading a contract before you sign it.  When my agent said she’d got me a gig opening a shop, I thought it would be a nice run out to a part of the county I’d not been to before.  It was only after that prick of a manger said “see you tomorrow Tone” that I thought to read it through properly.

‘Instead of getting paid my usual £7,000 for cutting the ribbon and making a short speech, I discovered that I’d signed up to do it every day for 4 months and was only getting a paper-back copy of David Dickenson’s autobiography “The Duke: What a Bobby Dazzler” and a wheelbarrow full of Dijon mustard in return.

‘Not only do I not like mustard, I don’t even get to keep the wheelbarrow, and I have to provide my own scissors to cut the ribbon!’

Hospital to hold open auditions for cardiac specialist

Hundreds are expected to attend open auditions at Speare Park Hospital tomorrow for the vacant position of Consultant Cardiologist, with organisers announcing that they are to see hopefuls at a second venue at the weekend.  Round two of auditions will take place in front of judges a month from now.

‘It’s so exciting,’ said 18 year-old Gemma Spots as she took her place in the queue.  ‘I never thought I’d get a chance to go for a 75 grand job, but her I am,’ she continued, clutching her Teddy bear mascot.

‘I think people can get very snobby about these things,’ said second round judge, the comedian and presenter Bobby Davro.  ‘For me it’s not all about what exams you’ve done or what bits of paper you’ve got framed in your office.  I’m going to want to see someone with a bit of spark and personality.  If you have to be told you have an advanced left ventricular hypertrophy wouldn’t you rather come from someone with a bit of charisma and panache than from some old fart with bad breath.’

New Chief Constable Wayne Cleft, 21, was a training to be a nail technician at his local college when opportunity knocked for him.  ‘I heard on Twitter that they were doing auditions for the top pig job and I was like, yeah, mega lols. Being boss of the Feds would be well ace. You could get one of those tasers and shoot your mate right in the cock with it and if one of the police tried to stop you you’d be like, ‘you can’t arrest me I’m  your boss,’ and you could tell him to f*uck off and then take a slash in his hat and he could’t do nothing about it.’

The final public vote is pencilled in for the end of March and can be made by telephone, text or e-mail.  Facebook “likes” will also be taken into account.

Agreement on Isle of Man Refugees

Brave islanders face troops

After previous refusals, Wickle Borough Council has voted to grant asylum to a small number of Isle of Man civil war refugees.

Wickle’s mayor Len Beggs has pledged that ‘only the most in need’ will be offered entry to the main land.  ‘There was resistance from some quarters, but the situation on the island has now descended into absolute depravity. No civilised society could turn its back,’ he said.

Hostilities on the Isle of Man erupted in September after a coop against the military junta by the Island’s postal workers.  Militant postmen established their own regime and weeks of blood-letting followed as perceived anti- “snail mail” elements were purged. In response, a general insurgency ensued and the population rose up against the tyrannical posties.

As always with such conflicts it is the ordinary people who suffer the most.  Civilians on the island were still recovering from the trauma of the genetically modified Brian Blessed hoard when internal unrest brought fresh horrors. Rumours of mass executions are rife. Stories of cannibalism are not uncommon.  Would-be asylum seeker Stan Flute is hoping that he will not have long to wait for a decision.  ‘I’ve lost several family members to the war already.  My wife Elaine has gone. Two of my children are missing.  And we haven’t had the bins emptied for weeks.’

Government to offer “hand relief” instead of “tax relief” on public sector pension schemes

In a radical new move, the Chancellor George Osborne has offered council workers and other public sector employees a creative new alternative to receiving generous tax breaks on their pension arrangements.  The new “Hand Relief for Tax Relief Scheme” will be proffered to union bosses this week.

‘The current system is unsustainable,’ said Treasury spokesman Jonty Flume.  ‘We think this is a viable option that the unions should seriously consider.  After all, who doesn’t like a nice hand job?’

If the proposal is accepted, HMRC are hoping to introduce an “opt out” scheme in the new year.  ‘We don’t want to force people into it,’ continued Mr Flume, ‘but we’re expecting it to become a standard arrangement. Hopefully, we can pull it off.’

In order to opt out of the plans, members of a pension scheme will need to send a written request to HMRC.  If the request is not accepted, workers will continue to be tossed-off in the staff toilets by a tax official armed with a jar of hand cream. Equivalent arrangements will be made for female employees.

Unison spokesperson Janet Scruff is making no promises. ‘Let’s just wait for the full details of the offer.  We’re always willing to negotiate on the right terms, but we naturally want the best deal for our members.  We’re going to try to hold out for an offer of an annual “oral top-up” option.’

Ask Alan

Wickle’s top agony uncle comes to the aid of readers in a quandary

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Dear Alan…

I was pleasuring myself to Emily Maitlis on Newsnight the other evening when they suddenly cut to footage of Education Secretary Michael Gove dribbling something about Ofsted. Unfortunately, I was past the point of no return and I can no longer look myself in the eye.  Do you have any tips on how to avoid something like this in the future?

Alan Says:

I had a similar infatuation with Moira Stuart back in the day.  I made a compilation VHS and killed a couple of hours while Pat was at Tai Chi.  I’m not up with modern technology but I’m sure you could do something similar on a computer or tablet or whatever. Good luck.

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Dear Alan…

My husband’s illegal usury business was flagging last year and it was beginning to get him down.  To give him a bit of a boost I asked some family members and close friends if they would loan some money off him.  It didn’t half cheer him up, but they are struggling to keep up with the payments given the extraordinarily high interest rates he charges.  He’s already sent a friend from work a shotgun cartridge through the post and threatened to do my Auntie Val’s kneecaps with a crowbar.  What should I do?

Alan says:

I’ve heard that loan sharks will often take sexual favours as payment in kind.  You could suggest that your loved-ones try that for a bit and maybe stave off a few instalments while they raise some cash another way.  You better tell them to get it sorted pretty sharpish.  Your hubby sounds like a nasty bastard.

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Dear Alan...

Have you got the time on you?

Alan says:

Yes mate, it’s just coming up to quarter to.

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Dear Alan…

When me and my boyfriend were in bed last night, he said we should try and spice things up and suggested that I enact my favourite fantasy on him.  My favourite fantasy is “Game of Thrones” so I lopped off his head with a broadsword. Now the police are involved. What can I do?

Alan says:

I’ll forward you the number of a good solicitor I know.  He tends to specialise in “Dungeons & Dragons” related criminal matters, but I’m sure his expertise will suffice.

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Dear Alan…

My wife started playing internet bingo a few months ago.  I’m worrying it might be becoming a problem.  She’s taking money out of our shared bank account without talking to me first and is becoming increasingly secretive.  What advice can you give?

Alan says:

It’s okay.  Unlike roulette and blackjack, bingo isn’t really gambling.  It’s just a group of friends having a bit of fun on-line whilst having a harmless flutter.  If she does start to spend more money than you can afford, simply advise her to substantially increase her stakes.  That way she’ll win back the money much quicker.

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Dear Alan…

My brother says that trampoline is a kind of plastic covering for a woman of easy virtue.  Is he right?

Alan says…

No.  He’s thinking about Slutothene wrapping.

Stage version of “Goodfellas” to feature all child cast

In homage to the classic Alan Parker musical “Bugsy Malone”, local theatre group W-WADS (West Wickle Amateur Dramatics Society) has announced that their spring production will be a stage version of gangster epic “Goodfellas”, featuring exclusively child actors.

‘It’s going to be quite a challenge,’ says producer Colin Henry VIII. ‘They always say never to work with children or animals. Well I’m not working with both, but having an entire cast of kids is going to be just as difficult.’

12 year old Tyler Bleau plays hit–man Tommy De Vito, a character portrayed by Joe Pesci in the Martin Scorsese directed classic. ‘One of the hardest scenes is when I get whacked by Vinnie and Tuddy before I am supposed to be getting made,’ says Tyler.  ‘I have to fall forward on to the floor without putting my hands out, on account of I get shot in the back of the head with a .45.  It’s quite difficult to do.  The director’s always busting my balls over that one.   What?  You think you can do it better, ya f*ckin’ stutterin’ f*ck you?’

‘I think I’ll be alright if I can get all my lines learnt,’ says 11 year old Noah Crates who plays toupee salesman, and mafia hanger-on, Morrie Kessler.  ‘People have asked if it’s difficult for me as an English schoolboy to identify with a middle aged  Jewish mob associate from 1970s Brooklyn, but I had a speaking role in “Aladdin” last year and I’ve never  experienced medieval Turkestan either,’ he explained.  ‘I mean, what do I look like? A goddamn schmuck on wheels?’

Set designer Michelle Tuke is responsible for mocking-up the numerous gangster hang-outs featured in the play: ‘Recreating the “Copacabana” from that period was an amazing experience.  Obviously it was made all the more difficult by the fact we had to make all the tables and chairs a suitable size for the kids.’

Star of the show Craig Meeks plays real life supergrass Henry Hill, whose life story the film was based on. ‘It was great getting the lead,’ he says.  ‘The biggest role I’ve had so far was as a spider in “Noah’s Ark” for the school play.  Leigh Jones is playing Spider in this one though.  He isn’t an actual spider though, he’s a person who’s called Spider who gets shot in the foot by Tommy after he gets the drink order wrong.  And then gets shot again, but dead this time, when he tells Tommy to go f*ck himself.’

Producer Colin is expecting the play to be a big success.  ‘Bugsey Malone was a big hit so I don’t know why we haven’t seen all child casts more often.

‘I think I’m going to stick with Scorsese for the next production as well and do an all child version of “Taxi Driver”.  Although I’m not sure what to do about the Jodie Foster part because she was a kid herself. So will she have to be played by a baby? I’m not sure.  I’ll have to have a think about that one.’